On Drinking...

The Stuff Christians Like Subtle Guide To Finding Out
If Another Christian Drinks Too.

1. The Garage Poke
Studies show that 78% of all Christians hide their beer in the garage when people they don't know that well come over. OK, I conducted the study and the research methods are suspect at best, but trust me, it's true. Make up an excuse to go to the garage and then poke around. Don't snoop. Snooping is what the lady on "Murder She Wrote" did. Just poke, there's a huge difference.

2. The Move
This one takes commitment. You either have to help them move or move yourself. Is selling your house and buying a new one worth discovering if your friend drinks too? Depends, how long are you expecting to know them? What, you don't want to invest in them by faking a move across town? I guess you and I are different. The key is to see what type of moving boxes they use. People often go to liquor stores to get boxes when they move. Ask about the wine boxes they are using. If they say, "I had to go to that pit of hell liquor store for these," do not offer them a Sam Adams Summer Ale.

3. The Key Chain
This one is much easier to execute. Just look at their key chain. If they have a bottle opener on it, you're all set. No one ever drinks enough soda to need to carry a bottle opener around full time.

4. The Soda
Speaking of soda, bring a six pack of old school soda over as a housewarming gift. Make sure you bring bottles that have tops that will not unscrew. Then, watch carefully to see what they do next. Do they instantly go to the drawer where the bottle opener is? Do they seem familiar with it? Does it fit the contour of their hand easily from years of usage? Is there a picture of Bud Light's dog, Spuds Mackenzie on it? They might drink beer if there is.

5. The Anything
When you are going to come over their house, call a few days before and offer to "bring anything you need, like drinks." Make sure you stress the word "anything" over and over again. What is so great about this move is that it puts the pressure back on them. Now, they are faced with the decision to ask you to bring wine or Sprite. What will they say, what will they say? Oh the intrigue!

6. The Traveler
One of my favorite places on the planet is the Garage Cafe & Bar in Birmingham, Alabama. It's an antique store built out of old horse stalls with a huge open courtyard that spills a sea of statues and period furniture under a blanket of white Christmas lights and dark sky. At night it's a beautiful place to have a beer and feel poetic. If I tell you that story and the only words you hear are "bar" and "beer" then chances are we feel different about drinking. Tell a story about a place you've visited and see if the first reaction is, "A bar? You went to a bar? Do you think you'll get a fold out couch bed in hell or a bunk bed when you go?"

7. The Ask
Just come on out and say, "did you know Sam Adams Summer Ale has grains of paradise in it? It's a spice that someone felt deserved the name 'grains of paradise.' That's like building a car and naming it, 'super duper awesome bestest car in the world.' Do you enjoy premium lager like I do?" It's more direct but at least you won't have to stage a fake move.

Source: Stuff Christians Like

Hey, Here's Something Odd...

_______
HT: Jon Acuff

I Know, I Know...

Yes, I talk about Jon Acuff a lot.
Yes, I ask all of you to go to Stuff Christians Like a lot.
I apologize, but Jon's most recent post is just too good to pass up.

I think I scored relatively low on this little list Jon made and I feel pretty good about that.

Here's what Jon's got to say:

There are some things in life that are concrete and true. For instance, it is a fact that "You're all I Want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey and "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC are fantastic songs. No argument there. But when you tell someone about your church, there's not a standard system to describe the degree of metrosexuality your worship leader possesses. Wouldn't it be awesome to say, "You'll love my church and the music. Our worship leader scored a 78 on the SCL Metro Test."

Don't answer that last question. It was rhetorical. As a service to churches around the world, here is an easy rating system by which to analyze to what degree your worship leader is a metrosexual.

1. Has a faux hawk hair style = +1
2. Has more product in his hair than your wife = +1
3. Has Rob Bell, black rimmed glasses = +1
4. They are not prescription, but just for effect = +2
5. Attends the Catalyst Conference = +3
6. Performs at the Catalyst Conference = +10
7. Owns Puma, Vans or Diesel sneakers = +2 per each pair
8. Wears jeans on stage = +1
9. Wears designer jeans on stage = +2
10. Wears Wrangler or Rustler jeans on stage = -3
11. Has a goatee = +2
12. Wears one of those Castro revolution looking hats = +2
13. Drinks coffee on stage = +1
14. Drinks some kind of coffee you did not know existed = +2
15. Brings a French Press on stage and makes his own coffee during service = +5
16. Has a handlebar mustache = -3
17. Good at Frisbee but hates getting all "sweaty" = +1
18. Has a haircut that covers one of his eyes while singing = +1
19. Owns a white belt = +2
20. Owns suspenders = -3
21. Wears a scarf with a t-shirt = +1
22. Wears a winter knit hat even in the summer = +2
23. You think he covered a My Chemical Romance song last week = +3
24. Drives an Audi or VW, silver of course = +2
25. Uses the words, "postmodern, relevant" or "emergent" nonstop = +2
26. Cringes a little when people say the "H word." (Hymnal) = +3
27. Has ever said some form of the phrase, "That song is so 1990s" = +1
28. Owns a Grizzly Adams red and black flannel shirt = -2
29. Named his kid after a color or a number = +2
30. References Norwegian punk bands you've never heard of = +2
31. Wears a tie = -1
32. Wears a tie as a belt = +2
33. Looks as if he might exfoliate = +2
34. Has a man bag or European Carry All = +2
35. Brings said bag on stage with him = +2
36. Has a tattoo = +2
37. Has a visible tattoo = +4
38. Wife accompanies him on stage and plays tambourine = -4
39. Was formerly in a punk new wave band = +2
40. Knows the names of all the people on the scripted MTV show, "the Hills" = +3
41. Refuses to drink anything but Vitamin Water = +2
42. Your wife ever says, "he needs a barrette for his hair." = +2
43. Has a nickname with "the" in it, as in "the edge," = +2
44. Owns every Nooma video = +2
45. Has a soul patch = +3
46. Won't play barefoot on stage until he gets a pedicure = +2
47. Refers to California as "the left coast" = +2
48. Currently subscribes to Dwell or Details magazine = +2
49. Owns a pair of lady jeans = +2
50. Twitters you from his iPhone = +2
51. His toddler dresses cooler than you = +2
52. He wears graphic t-shirts over button down, long sleeve shirts = +2
53. Ever says "we got a hot mic here" = -4
54. Shops at the Gap = 0
55. Shops at Urban Outfitters = +2

...I feel like a 55 item list of analyzing worship leaders is enough to earn me a new batch of "you are weird" emails, and at the end of the day, that's all I can ask for.What does your worship leader score?
_________________

I scored a 3.
Come on, all you worship leaders and musicians out there...what did you score?

LOVING THIS BLOG...

Dear Michael Jackson,

I regret being the bearer of bad news, but your song, "Man in the Mirror" is no longer considered the perfect song to do a poorly choreographed church dance routine to.

I know, I know, I was surprised too. Even though your song helped the homeless and had the beautiful, "make that change" whisper at the end, there's a better one out there.

I am of course talking about Gloria Estefan's, "Coming out of the dark." Have you heard that?

That song is so perfect for church youth groups that it almost feels like it was genetically engineered in a lab using the essence of Carmen and Sandi Patty. It's that perfect.

Look at the first verse, with what I feel are some pretty awesome dance instructions:"
Why be afraid if I'm not alone" (Hug yourself tightly as if you are by yourself)
"Though life is never easy the rest in unknown" (Move your head back and forth as if confused)
"Up to now for me it's been hands against stone" (Do a kind of mime thing like your hands are against stone)
"Spent each and every moment" (No ideas here, maybe jazz hands?)
"Searching for what to believe" (Put your hands to your eyes as if scanning the horizon)

That's just the first verse. The chorus is even better. And let's be honest, these have been a bumpy couple of years for you. Gloria, however is still out there doing it. She was on American Idol the other night.

Again, sorry to be the one to tell you this. And excuse the C-level quality of this joke, but I tried to warn you:

the rhythm is gonna get you.

HT: Stuff Christians Like