Things I Don't Like About Going To The Gym

1. Every 'trainer' there is 18-years old. Of course, he's fit. His body is still a non-stop machine that processes everything into pure strength and beauty. Give me a trainer who's 48 with three kids. That's the guy who knows how to do it.*
   
   
2. Single, middle-aged dudes who hit on female employees. Bro...you're sweating and your bald spot is clearly visible on the 14 mirrors surrounding us. It's not gonna' happen.
   
   
3. Old men way too comfortable with nudity in the locker room. I don't think I need to elaborate.
   
   
4. Squeaky treadmills. I'm working on the weight, okay? I don't need every one thinking about to shatter this device with my meaty, meaty calves.
   
   
5. Workout equipment that forces people to contort themselves into weird positions. You know that leg thing that you get on and raise your leg four feet in the air? I don't need to watch fat dudes or college girls do that. It's a lose-lose.
   
   
6. The Talker. Yes, ma'am, I do have children, but I can't really speak right now because I'm trying not to vomit.
   
   
7. The Snack Machine in the hall. With Reese's. Not cool.
   
   
8. Gratuitous weight belts. I get that you guys need to wear these while you're pumping iron in that free weight room that I'm too scared to walk into. But I don't think you need to wear it around quite so much.
   
   
9. A&P. Love the guy who busts out the anatomy and physiology lesson when he's beside you. No, no...I love hearing about deltoids, strange-man-exercising-in-jeans.
   
   
10. The Smell. I don't care how much industrial, germ-killing, deodorizer you spray. This room still smells like an armpit convention.

*You won't see a 48-year old trainer. Because they don't exist.